Lifestyle ·
Ozempic Shrinks Bodies, Fattens Retailer Profits
Local retailers discover the only thing better than a new customer is a smaller one.
WILLIAMSBURG, VA — Local clothing retailers say the Ozempic boom is boosting profits through reduced material costs as customers buy smaller clothes at the same prices. “We love all of our customers, but our bonus structure loves the smaller ones more,” said one manager. “Finally, we don’t have to lose money on XXL clothes.”
“Nobody buys a gallon of milk and expects to pay the half-gallon price,” the manager said. “But someone wants an XXL for the price of a Small, and suddenly we’re supposed to be a nonprofit.” The manager described larger customers as “a population we’ve historically supported at considerable expense,” adding, “Some people call selling plus sizes for the same price as smalls a ‘loss leader.’ But clearly the only ones losing anything were us. Body positivity was an important chapter for us. But you can’t tell a fabric manufacturer you’ll be paying the balance in empowerment.”
The manager acknowledged feeling uncomfortable selling some of the larger yoga pants. “Honestly, those women shouldn’t have been trying to squeeze into them anyway. We made them stretchy, but good grief. I always worried about what would happen as soon as they walked out the door.”
Asked why the store advertised those sizes, the manager said the concern had never reached the point of refusing a sale. “At the register, we celebrate every body. After that, it’s between her and the seams.”
Retailers welcome the GLP-1 trend. “We love watching our guests become the smallest, most profitable versions of themselves. We’ve always believed every body belongs. It’s just that some bodies were costing us an extra fourteen inches of our proprietary four-way stretch. Now we can honor her journey without subsidizing her circumference.”